#10: Speaking Others' Language

Tonight in class we discussed the idea of learning to speak others' language in order to become more effective listeners. In order to illustrate the principle, I read a quote to you in Spanish that none of you understood. The only problem was that I forgot to read it to you in English. While this was not vital to making my point, I did want you to actually understand what I had said. As such, here is the quote from F. Burton Howard:

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It has become special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. It should be that way... [with] our marriages" (as cited by Katharine Jenkins in Meridian Magazine, 2006).

Anyway, I hope you benefit from the quote itself, but also from the lesson that it was used to teach. If you really want to communicate effectively with others, you have to learn to speak their language—not in the traditionally broad way we think about language (English, Spanish, Russian, etc.), but in a very personal way. You need to learn how that individual communicates. We talked about some ways to do this, including creating common ground for communication through shared experiences, asking questions, or doing a little research on your own into some of that person's interests. As an example of this, I noted how I had to learn to "speak Nerd" to effectively communicate with my wife and had become a converted nerd in the process.

There is one other point regarding speaking others' language that I would like to expound upon. Speaking someone else's personal language goes far beyond knowing about that person and his/her interests, thoughts, etc. This is good, but it only scratches the surface. To truly speak another's language you must care enough to really want to know that person. Let me reiterate: To truly speak another's language you must care enough to really want to know that person. If this is the case, I promise that your communication will be productive and you will indeed come to know the one with whom you share this experience. Over time, you may come to know one another so well that in some cases words will not even be necessary. You will be able to speak each other's language with nothing more than a simple glance, a smile, or a gesture performed in just the right way. You will have arrived at the place where you can say everything beautiful without saying anything—and that, my friends, is luxurious place indeed. The cost of getting there is extremely high, but I assure you that the value of living there more than compensates for travel expenses.