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"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend ..."-The Fray, "How to Save a Life"
In the last post, we examined the concept of offering our partners a lifeline when we see that they are headed down the cascade. Additionally, it is necessary to remember another important principle if we are going to save our relationship lives. If you have ever been on a plane (and even if you haven't) you are probably familiar with the following phrase that is repeated during the preflight safety demonstration: "Please secure your own mask first, before helping others." If we really want to be of help to our partners, we cannot expect them to do things that we are unwilling to do. Thus, we must first ensure that we are not in danger of going over the cascade ourselves. As before, a quote from The Fray (cited above) can help us to gain proper perspective. We must ask ourselves, "Where did I go wrong, or where am I in danger of going wrong?" We must be sure we as individuals are on solid ground. Then, and only then, can we offer our partners a lifeline. If we are unwilling to look inward, it is likely that we will lose a friend, or a spouse, etc.—we will alienate ourselves from others. It is also important to recognize that at various times in our relationships, we will be on both the giving and the receiving ends of such lifelines and that they are good no matter which end we are on. Having said that, the following is a list of some practical things we can do to make sure that we as individuals are doing our best to maintain relationship stability as we interact with others.
1. Complain, but don't blame. We already went over this in the last post; as such, we will let that suffice.
2. Remember who you're talking to. This is your wife, your friend, your brother ... You care about this person! Gottman says the following about the marital relationship, but I believe that the principle can be applied to any relationship: "People who are happily married like each other. If they didn't they wouldn't be happily married ... By simply reminding yourself of your spouse's positive qualities—even as you grapple with each other's flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating" (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 65).
3. Be clear and direct. If you have a want or a need, make sure that your partner understands that want or need. Don't make him or her guess; just be specific. Ladies, this is especially true for us guys. As a group, we don't get subtlety very well. Look us in the face, and tell us what you want. If you want your partner to take out the trash, for example, don't say something like, "The trash sure is getting full." Simply ask, "Would you please take out the trash?" Which brings us to our next point ...
4. Be polite. As we will discuss at length in the future, we stupid humans do a lot of things backward. Why are we so polite to the guy that hands us our food at the McDonald's drive-thru and so rude to our families as soon as we roll up the window, bag of food in hand? Does anyone else think this is a ridiculous phenomenon? Ideally, we should be kind to everyone. I, however, know that I'm not an "ideal" person and that I'm probably going to do something stupid very soon. But in all seriousness, can we all do ourselves a favor and try not to do that something stupid to the people we supposedly care about the most? If you're going to be mean, be mean to strangers. They'll get over it. Your kids, your husband, your mother—it'll leave deeper scars on them, I promise. Be nice to everyone, but be especially nice to your family.
5. Don't store things up. For a hilarious example of what not to do, click here. (Pay special attention to the "Airing of Grievances.") So what's wrong with Frank's idea? Certainly not the pole, with its metallic luster and high strength-to-weight ratio. So let's look elsewhere, specifically at the "Airing of Grievances." First of all, you should have more than one time per year that is designated for discussing issues in your relationships. For married couples, I recommend setting aside time once a week. Talk to each other about both successes and failures, as well as goals, plans, etc. It is also a great idea to simply deal with problems as they arise. However, if they remain unresolved at the time of your weekly planning/discussion session, this is a good time to make sure that you come to a mutually agreeable solution.
On the worksheet that I passed out in class on Friday, there were 10 spaces. I have only given you 5 items. I challenge you to come up with some things on your own and post them here on the site. To get you started, here is a link to the music video of The Fray's "How to Save a Life." As you watch the video, think about things that you could do to avoid hurting others, to reconcile with those you may have wronged—think about how to save the lives of your most important relationships. I look forward to your responses, and I'll see you in class.
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