#4: Barreling Over the Falls (Part 2 - The Four Horsemen)

In his book The Marriage Clinic, Dr. Gottman states that "the four horsemen generally come in a sequence, with criticism starting it all off" (p. 47). The sequence he uses in The Marriage Clinic is as follows:


That we diagrammed their order of appearance in this staggered way is no accident, as we will discuss later. For now, however, let us examine each of these four toxic techniques individually.

1. Criticism - In class we offered a simple definition of criticism, stating that in this context it means attacking a person instead of an issue. Gottman notes that criticism includes "negative words about your mate's character or personality" (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 27).

Now, like I said in class, every relationship should have issues, disagreements, and differences of opinion. Let me say that again: you and your partner should have issues. If you don't, then one or the other of you is either lying or being coerced into "agreeing" with the other partner, which is really just another way of saying "lying." So don't be a liar. Admit it—you have issues. Again, it's OK. You should. The real question is, how do you deal with those issues? As Dr. Gottman asserts, "I predict marriages will falter not because they argue ... The clues to [a couple's] future breakup are in the way they argue" (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 26).

2. Defensiveness - Since criticism is an attack, it follows quite naturally that the person being attacked would want to put up some kind of defense. Gottman says simply, "Defensiveness is any attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack" (The Marriage Clinic, p. 44). He continues by saying that "defensiveness usually includes denying responsibility for the problem ... a common from of defensiveness ... [is] counter-attacking when attacked" (The Marriage Clinic, p. 45). In class, we called this phenomenon "Cross-criticizing."

3. Contempt - In class we defined contempt as attacking with the intent to injure. Gottman adds, "Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than one's partner" (The Marriage Clinic, p. 45). It can include such things as mocking (especially in public), eye rolling, sarcasm, etc.

4. Stonewalling - In class we discussed stonewalling as simply another way of saying "emotional withdrawal." Gottman concludes that those who stonewall (usually men) "use brief monitoring glances, look away and down, vocalize hardly at all—in effect, [they] convey the presence of an impassive stone wall" (The Marriage Clinic, p. 46). He offers this hypothetical, although very common, example:

"Think of the husband who comes home from work, gets met with a barrage of criticism from his wife, and hides behind the newspaper. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually she gets up and leaves the room. Rather than confronting his wife, he disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage. He has become a stonewaller" (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 33).

So there you have them, the four types of communication that are most likely to ruin your relationship. At this point, you're probably thinking something along the lines of, "Oh crap. I do that stuff all the time. My relationship has no chance of survival. We are doomed." Don't worry—you're not dead yet. It's probably not as bad as you think. In the next post, we will discuss the existence of many of these behaviors even among couples that are happy and have stable marriages. In the end, it is really a two-fold question of the desires of our hearts and the relative level of our stupidity.