#7: Barreling Over the Falls (Part 5 - How to Save A Life)

"As he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours and grant him one last choice ..."

-The Fray, "How to Save a Life"

As we begin to think about saving the life of our relationship when we see our partner start to barrel down the cascade, this quote from The Fray's "How to Save a Life" can point us in the right direction. One way to throw your partner a lifeline is to learn to listen objectively, without taking offense. If your partner introduces criticism into a conversation, ask yourself, "Is there a legitimate complaint hidden within this criticism?" You can then simply respond to your partner's complaint, to what he or she should have said instead of what was actually said. You do this not because you think criticism is acceptable, but because you want to give your partner a chance to make a better choice. Just remember that you cannot control whether or not the lifeline is accepted, only whether or not it is offered in the first place.

In order to do this, however, we need to know how to effectively differentiate between criticizing (which is obviously bad) and complaining (which, when defined as we will define it, is OK). In both Part 2 and last Friday's class, we defined criticism as attacking a person instead of an issue, adding that it includes global statements about or attacks on a person's character. Complaining, on the other hand, is simply addressing the issue at hand. Here is an example offered by Dr. Gottman that can help us understand the difference between complaining and criticizing.

"'I'm really angry that you didn't sweep the kitchen floor last night. We agreed that we'd take turns doing it' is a complaint. 'Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep up the kitchen floor when it's your turn. You just don't care' is a criticism. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but a criticism ups the ante by throwing in blame and general character assassination. Here's a recipe: To turn any complaint into a criticism, just add my favorite line: 'What's wrong with you?'" (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pp. 27-28)

Remember, I'm not asking anyone to become a victim and submit to endless criticism. I'm simply suggesting that we would all do well to expand our vision, recognize that others make mistakes, and allow them the opportunity to make better choices. Don't take offense and get defensive; instead, defend your relationship by offering a lifeline. Learn how to save a life.